Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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