I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
