Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
