so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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