i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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