you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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