I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
