i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
