I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
