I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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