Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
