News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
