I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
