You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
