Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize