Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
