Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
