You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize