I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
