How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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