Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
