I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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