I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it was like eating out sand paper
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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