I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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