i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
