Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
