Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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