I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
