Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize