Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
