The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
