Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
