i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
