The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
