if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
