Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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