i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
