all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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