I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
