I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
