when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
