Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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