I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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