Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
