my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
