I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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