Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
