I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
