i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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