I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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