Yo dont text me then not text me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
