I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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