thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
