I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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