I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
