My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
