I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
