im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
