So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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