I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize