I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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