if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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