waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
