I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
