I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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