dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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