My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
