Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
